I like my coffee black, just like my metal \m/

Ok, so update from the last few days: Went to Wembley Arena t0 see Eddie Izzard on Sunday – he was AMAZING! So very funny and well worth the wait for the amount of years I’ve wanted to see him! I’ve ordered the DVD now that I’ve seen the live show. He was talking about hunter-gatherers (and I’d like to quote that in my essay!) and raptors and bazookas and other awesome things! And I am now the proud owner of a ‘Cake or Death’ top! Win!

Got a fantastic card yesterday from teh glorious Vyx, was such a lovely surprise, and I <3 my Little Miss Sunshine book ^_^

Went to see Sean Lock yesterday evening with K and he was brilliant. Fantastic quote about Nick ‘I’m a fascist fuckhead’ Griffin – “one eye’s going to the shops and the other’s coming back with the change”! Got to see my Ninjaface after that, things are definitely going better. Was really good to see him, he’s very snugglable. I’m keeping this one, he doesn’t seem to mind that.

Had my last day temping today. Went out for lunch with the girls and had delicious food at the George & Dragon – grilled halloumi with tomato and bean casserole and chocolate sunken sponge dessert…mmmm…. I’d written a card and got the girls a tin of chocolates, and they’d made me a card and got me a green bracelet, black and green chunky necklace, small breast cancer support notebook and an A5 breast cancer support notebook, bless them. I really couldn’t have wished for a better bunch to work with on my first temping assignment When I went down to the main part of the hospital to get my timesheet signed one of the Health Records lads asked me out, not a chance against my Ninja though

My TV died a death last night, so I bought a new one today, which is 9″ bigger! Hadn’t realised that when I reserved it but then I did do that at work! It’s black and HD ready with built-in Freeview so I’m happy AND it uses less than 1 watt when on standby, so even though I normally turn everything off at the wall when I’m going out, when I’m sleeping with it just turned off via remote it won’t be using ubermega amounts of electricity, wewt! Early Yule treat for myself now I can afford it. Looking forward to starting tomorrow, though I am mildly terrified at the same time!

And now, I must get on with my essay…which I still haven’t even started and I have to hand it in next Tuesday. Shit!

Thought for the day (brought to you by a lovely magnet from a lovely lass): Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it turned into a butterfly

 

Oh I’m still alive

Not overly sure how I feel at the moment.

Ninjaface came over yesterday. We are now together. But I don’t really feel that he’s overly into it. I dunno. I’ve liked him for 10 years (yeah, I know, crazy right?) and I think maybe he feels that it’s extra pressure. But I’ve never actually thought that we’d get together so it’s not like he has anything to live up to. Meh. I guess it’s good that he’s not as intensely into things as previous exes have been, but just some sign of happiness would be nice. My self-esteem isn’t 100% awesome yet. Just wait and see how things go I guess. Dunno when I’ll see him again but I guess there’ll be a point when he’d like to see me again! (I hope…)

Went to Folkestone today to get some clothes for the new job, and got a letter from the council in the post about giving my bank details for payroll, woot. Got four work tops – two shirts and two jumper/shirt combo tops, none of which are entirely black… And a nice chunky deep pinky red jumper for the hell of it. Why is colour creeping into my wardrobe?! Ooh, and black and white polka dot over-the-knee socks with bows on Went to see my mum after that and had a HUGE hot chocolate with whipped cream which came with a separate bowl containing 4 marshmallows and 2 flakes. Mmmmmm, so good! And only £2.80. Win!

Then went to get the bus home, bumped into a couple of friends and one of their friends I’d not met before, we all got the bus back to the Canterbubble and then instead of going home to do my essay we went to the pub. Bearing in mind I’ve not drunk alcohol in quite a long time I’m quite impressed that a cuban and four cocktails led to vague giggly tiddliness and then back to sobriety. So I will now be attempting to at least make notes for said essay. Time’s running out on that front, need to hand it in on the 15th and tomorrow evening I’m seeing EDDIE IZZARD!!!!!!! Then on Monday I’m temping during the day and then seeing Sean Lock in the evening, and Tuesday will be temping followed by fear for Wednesday when I start the new job, which will take an hour off my evenings due to travel, plus I have my lecture on Wednesday evening. So I really need to do as much as I can tonight and tomorrow daytime.

Final thing for tonight, tomorrow will be the fourth anniversary of Laurie’s death. It’s going so quickly. Sometimes I question whether he was ever here at all, and I get angry at myself for that, but I think it just means the pain is finally getting less. It won’t ever stop, I know that, and I kinda don’t want it too, because if it does then maybe I’ll forget, and I can’t. I won’t. I still really want to find the van driver who hit him and let him know that it wasn’t his fault, I know he blamed himself for it, even at the inquest when just about everyone said it wasn’t his fault. It was just a horrible accident, it shouldn’t have happened, but it did, and there was no way around it. I really miss him.

EDIT: Ok, so one last thing. Personalised horoscope for today:

Emotional attitudes
Weak, transient effect: Certainly, tonight emotional attitudes figure more prominently than usual. You should be careful not to lose your objectivity in a discussion or lose your sense of perspective. But you will not feel particularly good or bad with this influence; rather, you will feel any emotion more strongly. Sometimes there is a tendency to attract things to you at this time. Women may also be more important to you than usual. Objects, persons and places that are familiar to you are very important at this time because you need emotional reassurance from your surrounding. You may try to withdraw from others or from confrontations with unfamiliar or strange situations. This is not a negative condition; it arises out of a need to be by yourself for a while.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today: Moon Conjunction Moon, , exact at 23:50  activity period from 5 December 2009 to 6 December 2009

 

All he ever wanted was the key to everything

I am in SUCH a good mood today! Not heard any update from the council, including the full details about the job which were meant to ‘follow shortly’ as of yesterday at 3pm…but hopefully it’s all still fine. I know, I know, being paranoid, but I will be until I’m actually sat in the seat at the council. I’ve waited so long for this!

Got a really lovely phonecall at work today from one of the women who interviewed me on Wednesday. That interview was one that I thought straight away had gone incredibly badly. She said that they don’t normally contact unsuccessful applicants but although they couldn’t offer me the job they’d really liked me and I’d interviewed really well and they have a temporary position that they wanted me to go for if I was interested! I told them I’d been offered a job with the council and they said that it’s great news and that I ‘will be a great asset to any company’! How lovely!! It’s so nice that they took the time to do that Told my mum and the English Grandma and they were both so pleased.

Seeing Ninjaface (film-night guy) on Friday, possibly going for foods or getting a takeaway in order to avoid me gassing the house out/cutting my hand opening a pizza box like last time, which will be good. And he’s found his copy of Space Jam so I’m ridiculously excited about seeing that again!

I feel like things are really looking up now. I like this

Starlight Mints – Seventeen Devils

 

Let the sun shine in

So, next Wednesday…I start my new job! Working for the council giving advice to schools! Should be interesting. Handed in my notice today and have written confirmation from the council. Just need to hope for decent references but there shouldn’t be a problem there. My family are all so proud, and so am I. I was getting so close to giving up. But this was the job I wanted most from last week’s interviews and I’m glad I’ve got it. Means I lose about an hour of my afternoons/evenings due to travel but it’s worth it. And after my first pay check I’ll buy the SLR I wanted! And possibly a decent laptop!

Spent a few hours with some good friends. Had quite a giggle.

Still unsure as to what’s happening with film-night guy…but we shall see I guess. I have my job sorted and that’s the important thing. I can actually relax now. Well, I say ‘relax’, by which I do, in fact, mean ’start my 2,500 word essay due in on the 16th’. Eek!

I thought my tarot card for today seemed quite appropriate:

Ten of Pentacles
Affluence all around you. Wealth of spirit and resources. Plenty to share with loved ones and friends. Financial security has been reached. Time to create a foundation that will secure wealth for long-term. Family life is in order. Cycle is at an end and you can be satisfied with your work. Stability is at hand. Relax and enjoy time with your loved ones.

 

A nod’s as good as a wink to a blind bat

Went for lunch with a good friend today, which was nice. It’s good that we’re seeing each other more again, there was a while where we just seemed to drift apart but we’re back to the closeness again which is good

Spoke to my dad today, mainly about the job thing. It’s really difficult trying to get the balance between being optimistic and not getting my hopes up. I think I have to accept that I haven’t got any of last week’s jobs, and if it turns out that I have then that’s brilliant, but hopefully it’ll lessen the blow if I end up being right. I just have to keep trying.

Had a friend over tonight for films and pizza (and Count Duckula!), which took an unexpected turn, which I’m not complaining about! I should be seeing him again on Friday it would seem. And apparently I’m beautiful… It’s nice when things happen out of the blue, I’ve fancied him for years! But, once again, not getting my hopes up. I don’t know that I’m really in the right headspace for a relationship, and I don’t know what he’s looking for. But we’ll see.

Oh, and I finished crocheting my dad’s Yule present today and am about 1/4 of the way through my mum’s. Need to carry on crocheting the quilt she wants and make a start on assignment number two tomorrow, fun times!

 

Rain rain go away.

Tears, so many tears this evening.

Feel like a fuck up. I hurt a friend without meaning to, hopefully that’s cleared up now. I’ve been trying not to think so that I don’t dwell on the bad things, but unfortunately it’s meant that I don’t think about the things that need to be thought about, e.g. things to say before I open my mouth.

And looks like I got my hopes up for nothing over something else. Again.

I don’t know how today’s interview went, didn’t really get a feeling either way.

I wish I didn’t feel sometimes. I really do.

 

Who cares if you don’t like it?!

Well, I’ve now had three of my four interviews. Today’s went quite well, although yesterday’s sucked! Just one more to go… I really hope I get offered at least one job.

I have another interview lined up for a part-time post which will pay the same as I get for temping full time! How bizarre?! Just goes to show I’m on ridiculously low pay for administration. If I don’t get offered any of this week’s jobs I guess if I got offered that I could take it and look for another part-time job too so I could actually have some spending money.

I got my assignment back last night. At the start of the lecture he was talking about things we shouldn’t have done and said that words in tables don’t count towards our word count, at which I started panicking because that meant I was about 600 words below the word limit, eek! So, I was fully prepared to get a low mark, I figured as long as I pass that’s all that matters. I’m just doing the degree for my own learning. Imagine my surprise when he handed it back with a ‘63′! I got a 2:1 for my rubbish essay! (I had to excavate a bin for those who don’t know, see, I made a funny!)

Then, I went to Beercart for the first alternative night in far too long. It needs to be a more regular night, monthly perhaps, just anything, it was SO good! There was a very pretty blonde man who I hadn’t seen before but I didn’t get the guts to start a proper conversation with him, just the bogstandard ‘hey, you alright?’ thing, gah! But saw some other friends I’ve not seen in ages and got picked up by one guy I’ve known for years, bless him! Accidentally smacked him in the face while dancing, but he came up from behind me, wasn’t my fault! Then got talking to a guy I’ve seen around a bit but never spoken to, very bizarre conversations, but then my first impressions always do go somewhat awry. Anyway, he didn’t seem put off by it and made sure I gave him my number at the end of the night! Wasn’t expecting to get any interest last night, was just looking forward to the metal joy! Managed to get some awesomely sexy choons played and danced a-plenty, though it did knacker me out! Worth it though

So, one more interview then hopefully a relaxing weekend! Though I do need to make a start on the next assignment….It’s all go….

 

The little one said ‘roll over’

So, not a particularly exciting post but at the weekend my mum helped me learn how to crochet granny squares! First attempt sucked a little but the second attempt is below. I will attempt to make her a quilt!

I had an interview today, think it went ok but we shall see. I have interviews tomorrow and Thursday with a dental unit at the mental hospital and one at the main hospital’s health records department on Friday so here’s hoping something comes of one of them at least!

Wrote another poem t’other day (possibly yesterday, time escapes me frequently now), it’s not bad. I like writing again, hopefully I can keep it up without depression coming as part of it as per every other time.

Right, back to the crochet methinks.

 

Lame.

Edward Woodward died today, aged 79, in hospital, of pneumonia. Sad. He was a really talented actor. He will be greatly missed.

The ex has looked at my dA page again and put up more bondage pictures. I can’t deal with it. Trying to push all the negative out of my life, need to be strong and move on, try not to let the depression win.

I have three interviews in as many days next week. Hopefully I’ll actually get one of those.

The last couple of days I’ve felt numb but teetering on the verge between happiness and depression, but slightly more on the happy side. Right now, though, the see-saw’s going back to the D-side. Do not want.

 

I wonder…

…what sort of person I’d be if I’d stayed at uni the first time round. If I’d still be alive today. If I’d be happy. If I’d be successful.

…if it’s possible to change who I am so that I don’t get hurt any more.

…if I’ll ever find someone who wants me and who I want. Who won’t hurt me or manipulate me. Who I won’t hurt.

…what it is that I’ve done at some point to cause me to be in this stupid situation.

…why people think it’s ok to treat me like I’m not worth anything.

…if I’m going to get a happy ending.

I wrote another poem today. And I removed Mad from my friends list last night, after nearly a year and a half I think it’s pretty obvious that I was dreaming all along.