Heart of eternity, hole in the stone

So, I’ve been reading up some more on Asatru and discovered something vaguely amusing - some followers of Asatru won’t even mention Loki due to the bastardness he became embroiled in as time went on! The Trickster element of Loki was one of my favourites….the murdering manipulative git bit, not so much! But to not even mention one of the key gods of the Norse belief system in a modernised version…it’s like Lillith having had her true place removed from the Bible! Why hide a part of your history? Surely the fact he became so bitter and twisted and…I hate to use the word because I don’t really believe there is such a thing, but….evil is something to learn from. You see how he destroys his own sense of a moral code and you learn from his mistakes and know never to cause people to go through as much pain and torment as he put his fellow deities through. Maybe that’s just me.

My Lizbet has discovered some very racist groups spreading from the Nordic/Germanic religions. From what I’ve managed to research since reading her post it seems that Odinism is a racist sect, but not quite as much so as Wotanism. Asatru seems to be “folk” based rather than racist, so perhaps slightly close-minded to just cover the people in one particular area practising it, but hopefully not enough to paint the picture that followers percieve themselves to be better than other people, no matter what the colour. Whatever elements of this religion I take to add to my own belief system there will be no racist elements. The guy who created Wotanism, David Lane, disgusts me, reading about him makes my blood boil. But to understand something properly you have to look at both sides and know exactly what you will never ever feel or believe. I just cannot fathom why some people have the thoughts and beliefs that they do.

I went out with some friends today, managed to work out that the Shakespeare quote will not go with my Bast tattoo, but would work underneath my 1/3 sleeve so when I eventually get around to finding someone to design that I can whack it underneath! Went for a pub lunch and got served by a very cute lesbian… Definitely thinking women are the way forward, or at least an ‘effeminate’ or in-touch-with-his-emotions-and-feminine-side man… But I’m not going to rush into anything. Need time to heal from the last mess.

Am also on the hunt for a Reiki Master to teach me my Master level. Sent an email to a vaguely local practitioner this evening and hopefully will hear something back soon. We’d need to meet up to see if we get on and the energy flows ok, but assuming it does and she doesn’t charge an extortionate amount hopefully I’ll be attuned by my birthday – that gives me just under 3 months. I need to heal, myself and others, I need to get it all flowing again.

After God created Adam, who was alone, He said, ‘It is not good for man to be alone.’ He then created a woman for Adam, from the earth, as He had created Adam himself, and called her Lilith. Adam and Lilith immediately began to fight. She said, ‘I will not lie below,’ and he said, ‘I will not lie beneath you, but only on top. For you are fit only to be in the bottom position, while I am to be the superior one.’ Lilith responded, ‘We are equal to each other inasmuch as we were both created from the earth.’ But they would not listen to one another. When Lilith saw this, she pronounced the Ineffable Name and flew away into the air.

 

Who should I be when they’re judging me as though I’m unaffected?

So, I realised that I’d not really let on to what happened to inspire me to finally share the (shoddy) story of my last post. On 27th January Ninjaface and I broke up. Over the phone…. Which sucks. I would have liked to at least see him one last time, get a final goodbye hug. Maybe even try to persuade him to give us a chance, but that doesn’t seem like a route he wanted to take. He has since deleted every tweet sent to me or mentioning me, then made his page protected and blocked me on Facebook…where I’d not attempted to contact him since the day after the break up. I don’t understand why he’s choosing to make like I don’t exist or never did. To pretend that 7 1/2 weeks never happened. That hurts. A lot. I’m gutted that he’s not the person I thought he was and that he didn’t feel our relationship was worth putting much effort into. In a way it makes it easier to try to move on, I deserve better. And all the while I’m getting the “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” advice, that’s not me. I’ve never been one for one night stands or ‘casual encounters’. So I’ll just get over it in my own time. 

I think maybe there’s something about me that causes people to feel things in a more intense way than they expect to, or feel things they weren’t expecting to, and they run away from it. I dunno. Maybe not. Maybe I just never go for the right person.

 I’ve been getting out more and seeing the amazing friends I have so that’s all good. And this Wednesday I will miss my lecture (naughty) to go to my favourite pub where the alternative night is back once a month (hopefully). Sexy/tiny outfit planned, including heels (which I can actually walk in) and black seamed stockings, so it should be good. Hoping someone will be there who I need to mend a bridge with, I’ve already held out my hand in a peace offering of forgiveness, so hopefully things will go well from there.

I dyed my hair a deep red last night, not a natural red either. I checked with work and there is no hair colour policy so as long as I don’t do a bright green mohican all should be well! I’ve been fairly down the last couple of days, so I figured improving my self-image is key; I’m working on the next tattoo design. I’m going to force myself to be creative today. I’ve just unravelled the scarf I was halfway through making for the ninja, and will now attempt granny squares which will, at some point, become a cardigan. I also have a new book on Asatru to read through, I really do think it’s the perfect Pagan path for me, or at least will offer far more elements for me to add to my pick’n'mix Paganism.

Oh, I’ve also gone back to stretching my ears, 3mm and 3.5mm (soon to be 4mm when I’ve finished typing this). Going up to 5mm max again, but it’s just good for me to know that I look a bit different. Still have my skull and crossbones 5mm plugs but have also got a pure amber one to put in at some point. Ah body modification, where would I be without you?

 

Just time for me and a fantasy

I have copied the Lizbet, my January Wordle can be found above!

I had an amazing night out last night, it was so good to be surrounded by my friends. I am so lucky to know such fantastic people. They don’t judge me, they respect me, they make me laugh, many of them offer their breasts for gropage because they know that cheers me up when I’m down! It was just so good to dress up like a pirate and go and sit in a pub with a bunch of awesomely bizarre people for 6 hours!

I know I keep saying it, but I really need to get new ink. It’s been over 19 months since my last one and I’m so desperate for my next ink injection. Just need to get someone to design one for me. I wish I could draw! I really want to get my Shakespeare done, but I’m still struggling to think of where I could put it without it making my back tats looks like a cross. Unsurprisingly, not my ideal symbol! Really need to work on Bast tat, I think she’s the one I need next. Guardian of women and a fighter and protector/healer. Nothing sounds better right now.

Right, now to attempt to perfect my granny square technique…

IAMX – The Alternative

 

A story (not a great one)

I’ve been working on this since November after something the Vyxen said to me. It’s not much good. But then I never have been a storyteller.

Once upon a time there was a girl. Some said she was beautiful, some said she was clever, others thought she was a bitch and exaggerated her flaws. She was always honest and followed her heart. Unfortunately, she was easily manipulated. She believed the people who were negative about her. She doubted her intelligence and she knew she was far from beautiful. She didn’t want to die, but she wished that she had never been born. She had very few friends, but used books to escape. She would read for hours, losing herself in ink on pages, in beautiful words, in painful worlds, in alternate realities, in times gone by. Sometimes she forgot to eat, sometimes she just didn’t want to. She wasted away, and when she finally wanted to eat she couldn’t, her body wouldn’t let her, but she fought through it and managed to put the weight back on. She ended up in relationships which reinforced the negative self image she possessed. She was cheated on and abused, and believed that it was her fault. Every failed relationship was another piece of evidence in life’s case against her, to prove she wasn’t good enough. She went to university and what little remained of her self confidence was ruined and she wasted away once more due to the lack of understanding of a vegetarian diet by the university’s caterers. She quit uni in a state of massive depression, not helped by someone she loved dying in an accident. Her parents helped her through so much, just as they’ve always done and will always do, and tried their best to build her back up. She hated her job and did a course to get better typing qualifications to get a career. For years her depression and self doubt continued.

Then one day, someone told her that no one could love her unless she loved herself and came to appreciate who she was. For a few months she made a list and wrote down one positive thing about herself every day. Other people added to it. Sometimes it was so hard to think of things, but she knew that she had to keep going and that even the tiniest positives still meant something. Then the list was lost. She went back to one of her past abusers, but realised that she deserved better, that she wasn’t stupid, that she was worth something. She knew that she could get through whatever life threw at her, that although depression is hard it can be lived with, that she has as much right to happiness as anyone else on this planet.

She had a lot more hardship to get through, but she managed and she came out of it a stronger person. She struggles sometimes, but she has such amazing people around her who keep her going and pull her up when she needs it. She is still honest and still follows her heart. Sometimes she doesn’t know what to say, or does but is afraid to, but then remembers that none of us know how much time we have, and that words are important and need to be said. Silence helps no one. She will continue to work hard to further herself and to strive for complete happiness and she knows there will be times when the depression comes back, but she will fight it.

The silly thing is, the one thing that scares her more than anything else is the knowledge that she finds it so hard to let anyone in. She has built a fortress around her heart, and every time she is hurt another barrier goes up to protect herself. She wonders if she will ever meet the one she is meant to be with, and if so, will they be able to fight through the barriers? Make their way through the labyrinth that surrounds her heart? Or will she forever push people away, too afraid of the hurt to let someone truly know her, to completely open up, to bare her soul. Maybe she was meant to be alone. Sometimes she wishes she was more like Sleeping Beauty, so that she would never known the pain, only the joys. But that’s not real life, it’s a fairytale, and there is no place for dreaming in this reality. In this reality, dreams are crushed. Hopes are shattered. Numbness and pessimism seem to be the only way forward. But that’s not her. That’s neither who she is nor who she wants to be. But will she learn to overcome the pain? Will she keep her faith in love? Will she fight past her fears? Will she end up bitter and lonely?

The only way to know is to see how the story unfolds. It is far from over.

 

Soundtrack to myself

So, this is the song that I sing and I feel like it is about me, for me, from me. This is the song that I can associate with. I don’t currently embody it totally, but I could/should.

I need to stop being afraid of saying what I want/feel/need to just in case someone doesn’t like it. If someone can’t handle me then screw ‘em, they’re not worth my time. I have so many qualities that are hard to find and I wouldn’t change them for anything. I am passionate. I stand up for what I believe in. I speak my mind. I love unconditionally – and I have SO much love to give. I am supportive, caring, honest. I am so much stronger than a lot of people give me credit for. I am creative. I am willing to learn – and my thirst for knowledge knows no bounds. I am loyal, stubborn, headstrong. I care, far more than I should do a lot of the time. I am a good listener. I am not afraid to show my emotions. And I am true to myself, unique, and (one of the most meaningful things anyone has ever said to me, thank you, Lizbet) I look so fragile, but I’m really not.

If you want to be a part of my life then come on in, the water’s lovely! I won’t trust you easily, you have to earn it, but once you’ve done that, you’ve got a friend for life who will always have your back. If you break that trust, you’re damn lucky if I even look at you again let alone give you a second chance.

If you want to hurt me, then bring it. I’ll take you on and come out unscathed. No one can ruin me. No one but myself. None of you have the right. And believe me, I’m not giving up on myself. No way. I’ve come so far and the journey’s nowhere near over.

Terror – My Ruin

Terror

This is what you call me…

I strike terror among men.
I can’t be bothered by what they think.
I bare my cross,
My soul,
Myself.
I forgive,
but I never forget.
I’ve been put upon this earth in female form.
But I can handle myself with the best of you,
As well as the worst.
And I often have.
I have the right to remain silent,
But I choose to speak,
Sing,
Scream.
I am lips,
Hips,
Tits.
I am the power of a woman,
Strong like music,
True like friendship,
But without my friends,
There would be no music,
Only spoken word.

Fucker! x2

I am able to change,
So I live without regret,
Without remorse,
Only a remix.
I am drunk,
I am sober.
Heaven doesn’t want me
And Hell’s afraid I’ll take over.
Don’t bother trying to censor me,
Or shut me up,
Because it won’t work.
I am cold and distant,
Yet warm and close,
To those who deserve to see that side of me.
Part of me the heart of me.
You find me so hard to understand in your world.
The world you perceive to be so normal.
I am deformed,
Scorned,
Reborn.
I am me,
And I know exactly who I am,
What I am
And the wrath I bring.
The ugly beauty,
The lying truth,
The virgin whore
The quiet storm
A lover,
A fighter,
A saint,
A sinner,
A sister,
A daughter
Old school.
A beginner.
I have decorated myself with love,
Hate,
Truth,
You.
All of you,
Both of you,
None of you,
More than one of you.

Fucker! x2

With lips like sugar.
Eyes like meat.
I’ve watched men come,
And go,
And cheat.
I sleep to dream
And dream of sleep.
I had a dream, Joe
That you were standing in the middle of an open grove.
I had a dream, Joe
That your hands were raised up to the sky
And your mouth was covered in foam.
I’ve been crucified,
Justified,
And mortified by my behavior.
Both feminine,
And masculine.
I am a contradiction,
And juxtaposition.
My relief is my release,
And only time will tell.
All’s well that ends well.
I am unsweetened,
Unclean,
Been called drama queen,
Ex-girlfriend,
Ex-member,
The tantrum,
The temper.
I point my finger,
Take the blame.
And this time I will own the name.
Because no one is going to ruin me.
If I have to,
I will ruin myself.
And it will be ‘My Ruin’ (My Ruin)

fucker! x5

 

Museum love

So, yesterday I had a trip to Maidstone Museum for my course. I am in love.

We got to go in some of the storerooms, I want to live in them! The first one we went into had an amazing animal head – I don’t know what it was because the face was covered, but the horns sticking out of it were absolutely amazing! Each one was probably about my height, thick, curved and black. Absolutely amazing. And there were so many bits and pieces from so many places, including stuffed birds and birds eggs – which apparently one of the curators takes to the police to give them lessons in which eggs are ok for people to have and which aren’t in preparation for them doing raids!

The next storeroom we went into I didn’t want to leave…. Went to the back and there were spears with barbs every inch, so if one went into you it wouldn’t be coming out again easily! And bows which were even taller than I am – for those of you who don’t know I love bows and arrows, I obscenely love archery and at some point I need to learn it, I really really do. Maybe it’s my love of the Amazons, or just the ‘romance’ associated with bows and arrows, but I love them. And they had arrows….with the toxic symbol on because they think that they are still poisonous! There’s an antidote at Maidstone Hospital just in case!

He talked to us about millstones and about how they were really part of a revolution. In one place people had to pay taxes and pay for the Abbot to mill their corn, so they got millstones and hid them and secretly milled their own grain. Then the Abbot got confused about why the harvests were getting bigger and bigger but the tithes he was receiving were less and less. He got his men to go to the houses of the people and they ransacked them, taking all of the millstones. Then, this is the cunning/cruel part, he had his courtroom tiled with the millstones, so every time the villagers had to go and pay their tithes they had to walk across the items of their crushed revolution.

We went to see the Julius Brenchley exhibition which was stunning – so many beautiful pieces from Fiji and other far off lands, just beautiful. And in the same room are beautiful spearheads from Australia – which are rather wonderfully made by Aborigines smashing the insulators off of telephone poles because the quartz is so easy to shape! Hehe!

We went through a dinosaur section (I really feel the urge to go into palaeontology at some point) and then through a section with stuffed animals, etc. which often upsets me but I was so caught up in where I was and what I was learning that I was just enthralled!

Then came the part where I never wanted to leave… We went downstairs to a room where I was standing next to a sarcophagus, an actual sarcophagus! And then we went through a room with so many beautiful old pots, into a room with Iron Age swords and jewellery and artefacts. Stunning! The curator showed us so many Iron Age swords that are stored in the correct conditions (they keep them at about 29% humidity) but which are still gradually disintegrating…and then he showed us one that almost brought me to tears. It had been cleaned and repaired really well but the people who’d put the bid in had kept it in storage with far too high humidity…he took it out of the case and whole chunks of iron were just falling off it. I was so close to crying, it’s such a waste. The thing that really got me is that I’m not even particularly into the Iron Age, but to see something with so much heritage just…dying like that, is horrible. After that we got to put on gloves and look at/handle Iron Age sword hilts….and then….Neolithic flint axe heads! Without gloves! Holding actual axe heads used when mankind changed from hunter-gathers to farming communities! Awe. Absolute awe.

Am very tempted to try and get volunteer work experience in a museum….would love to work in one someday and the curator told us that someone can have as much academia as they like, but if they’re up against someone with experience, the experience is likely to be an advantage. Although it does mean that it’s another thing for the ’should learn to drive’ list – still largely opposed by my not wanting to drive….

In other news, I have emailed the secretary for my course at uni to find out what modules are available for the diploma – they’ve changed a lot of things since I signed up for the certificate so if the two modules I want aren’t running I need to change unis. The two courses that I want are (this will come as no surprise, hurrah for gothic morbid fascination) Archaeology of Cult, Belief and Ritual and Archaeology of Religion. If those don’t run then I’ll be changing to the other university (if those options run) and going on a more Viking/Feminist route with Heroes and Holy Men: Britain in the Age of the Vikings 750-950 and Women and Power in Tudor and Stuart England 1485-1714. I am quite drawn to the other university… Which is odd because they offer a far more historical course than the archaeological side I wanted…. But I do have a hunger for knowledge and I do love the Norse deities so it would be good to learn more about what the people who believed in them did. And we all know my views on women and power

 

Soundtrack to my life…

The snow caused me to get sent home yesterday and today the bus didn’t make it out of the city, so I’m sitting at home, waiting for my new laptop, having ordered my phone upgrade and chased up my camera, and hoping that the buses will be sorted by tonight so I can see my Ninjaface.

I’ve been watching TV and looking up the songs that are used as background music – this has led to an increased music collection which I like

The one I just heard I’d not heard in ages, but it seems kinda poignant. I’m going to put it here to remind myself that I am still continuing on my journey of self-improvement and self-realisation. That I am still overcoming the shit that I’ve been through but that I will get there, it won’t always be hard. So, less than 4 months until I’m 23…

23

by Jimmy Eat World

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I’m still driving away
And I’m sorry every day
I won’t always love these selfish things
I won’t always live…
Not stopping…

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I’m here I’m now I’m ready
Holding on tight
Don’t give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I’ll be 23
I won’t always love what I’ll never have
I won’t always live in my regrets

You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I’m here I’m now I’m ready
Holding on tight
Don’t give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I’m here I’m now I’m ready
Holding on tight
Don’t give away the end
The one thing that stays mine…

 

Curling up inside my private tortures

I have so many words inside me, but I don’t know what to write. What to let out. If I could even let it out. I’m confused. I’m trying to think differently. It’s not working, it just makes me lethargic and a little low, which is the last thing I want.

In other news, a couple of guys on my FB friends list are in a metal band and they want some rock chicks to do a photoshoot soon. I didn’t have the confidence for it, but Ninjaface and a couple of friends persuaded me to comment. My confidence has just plummeted again, it was getting there but now it’s…not rock bottom, but I don’t feel like I’m anything special. I feel like I look like any other chick and I’m really struggling with that. Maybe it’ll be more bearable when it gets warm again and I can have my ink on show. I dunno. Stupid conformity. I need to design a new tattoo and get my fix so at least I know I’m different even if no one can see it… Yes, I know, I’m different in more than just my appearance, but it’s hard to all of a sudden be one of the crowd. I’ve never wanted to hog the limelight, but I don’t want to just blend in.

My mum is awesome. She called me earlier to tell me she’s bought me a sewing machine! I’ve been on about getting one for ages, I’d really like to try and make my own clothes – and sewing and crochet together could make for some interesting creations. I’d even contemplated going online to try and find a cheap one when I got home, so having her get one for me was brilliantly timed and very special It’s going to stay at their house until I go and visit and then I can work out if I want to bring it back here or have it as something I just use at theirs.

Bjork – Play Dead (I do love that woman’s voice)

 

Three more completed projects…

So, a little bit late with the first pic but the other two are the scarf I finished today with the leftover wool from the jumper my mum made me for Yule.

The green scarf is double crochet and is now in my father’s possession. He didn’t know I was making it for him and it was so special to see the joy on his face when he unwrapped it The blue one is my mother’s and is in trebles, my first ever treble piece that isn’t a granny square! And the scarf I made for myself is a mixture of doubles and trebles – it starts and ends with four rows of double crochets, but in between it varies between two rows of trebles and two rows of double crochets. I’m quite proud of myself for making it, it’s nice and neat and I figured I’d mix it up a little by doing  two different stitches! Hardcore, huh?

I’ve signed up to a new magazine for crocheting (seems my mother was, once again spot on, about crocheting being the next big thing – she’s good at picking up on what the next crazes will be a while before they’re announced!), the first issue comes with a DVD and every issue comes with free wool, one of which to practice new stitches and one to actually make the projects inside, and each issue gives instructions on how to make different squares to end up with a pretty quilt. I’m looking forward to receiving it. Will be good to have things that motivate me to be creative every week. My mum thinks that being creative may well help to keep the depression out of the way for a bit longer – it seems to rear its ugly head more when I’m stagnating so here’s hoping! Also, when my shiny camera turns up I’ll be pretty obsessed with that for a while!

Green doubles and blue trebles

My doubley trebley scarf – darker red winey colour than this pic shows though

Wearing my new scarf (and looking a tad shoddy, sorry!)

It’s Ninjaface’s birthday tomorrow. Really looking forward to seeing him and really hoping he likes his present! It was really lovely spending New Year with him. I love the way we click and say the same stupid thing at the same time, or one of us will say what the other was thinking. He makes me smile a lot. And he’s inspiring me to get a bit more health-conscious. He’s pretty darn awesome really It’s kinda strange that although we see each other quite a bit, time goes so quickly when we’re together and then it seems like we’ve hardly spent any time together. But I love the time we spend together, and the random tweets and texts that I get from him every now and then. I feel like I can just be me and it doesn’t matter, we’re both still learning how each other thinks and works and he takes me as I am. It’s a really lovely feeling.

 

Turn the ashes into flames

So, the end of 2009 already. It’s strange to think that so much has happened in the last year, it’s gone so quickly.

2009 was a strange one for me. I overcame one of my fears (big groups of people), helped to run a successful conference for just under 2,000 people from 100 different countries, lost my job through other people’s lies, was on the dole for a few months, started temping, applied for over 200 jobs in the space of four months and had my first operation under general anaesthetic.

I learned a lot about myself and I went through a lot of shit and came out the other side a stronger person. I thought I’d come out of it a lot more pessimistic, but I actually seem to be happier now.

I’m going into 2010 with a well paid and interesting job, when I was unsure as to whether or not I would gain employment ever again, and with a guy who I never thought would be interested in me. I’ve made some very good friends, lost some others, who were never particularly positive elements in my life anyway, and, I hope, had a positive impact on some other people’s lives.

I’ve probably mentioned it before, but when I had to have that operation, knowing that my grandad had had a stroke under general anaesthetic, I was pretty much terrified that I wouldn’t ever wake up again. I was lying there, thinking about it while they prepped me for surgery, and I thought that it would be such a waste, because there are so many things I’ve not done. I want to make an impact on the world. I want to leave my mark. I don’t know how, but I will.

I don’t usually subscribe to the whole resolutions thing, but I will set myself some goals for 2010:

• I’ve ordered a lovely SLR so I will attempt to improve my nature photography skills along with working on taking decent pictures of people.
• I will try harder to get back into modelling.
• I will try to start script-writing again, and hopefully perform some of the sketches I come up with.
• I will find a Reiki Master to teach me my Master level.
• I will be fitter – signing up to Pole Fitness and salsa classes are two musts.

I hope that 2010 brings everyone happiness and light. Strength and hope. A better future.

Bring on the Tenties!

Lift Me Up – Kate Voegele

EDIT: One final interesting fact about 2009 -

Tonight is a Blue Moon. There are usually only 12 full moons in a calendar year, 2009 marks the first year with 13 full moons since 1990 and it won’t happen again until 2028.